Pappa's Death

ahsil

,United States

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I was going though old Blogs on Myspace and found these. I feel the need to repost them. Sometimes going though old feelings are good for the soul. Or atleast I hope so.

well, we put him in the ground yesterday.. so i guess all is said and done. i will never see his face agian except though pictures.. but i have a few of those that i took from mammas house. but yesterday wasnt so bad. not as bad as i thought it would be.. i guess i was just so drained by that time that not alot effected me. i read a poem that kaite picked out.. it fit him to a tee.. i will need to get a copy of it so i can post it. but it was sad.. and mom and mamma said a few things.. but it was good. then we went over to the grave site. the view is so pretty. he would of loved it. looks over a hill with the houses in the back. looks like something you would see in a picture of the countryside. but we left him flowers. and joey took some and put then in front of the site like in the ground as if they where growing up out of it. it was really pretty.. but i felt kinda out of place with the clothes cuz mamma told us to wear what pappa was used to seeing us in.. and he was used to seeing me in funky bright colors.. so thats what i wore.. but i know that is was for him.. so that is all that matters.. but when we went back to mammas after that. i just went to sleep.. too many ppl around..and i was drained.. but i felt better.. then i came home.. hung out with jackson.. went over to ories.. and chilled with randy orie and tom.. it was good for me.. cuz the hardest thing is gonna be going on with my life even though his is no more. but i took today off work. just to chill at home.. and be by myself.. i need a day for that. but i think im done with this for now.. the blog i mean. i think my mind is clear enough and i have gotten everything out in one way or another.. and i wanna thank everyone who is helping though this..

well, today was a long day.. but its been a long week.. with all that is going on.. but today was the showing. i did the picture things and everyone loved it. i had fun making it so. had everyone go though the pictures to pick which ones they wanted. so they starting going over good times.. and that was good for them. and for me.. then i went into my zone and did the pictures... everyone loved it. but then we went to the showing.. man does the showing make it all real. all to real. i couldnt go up and see him for a while.. then when i did i felt the need to leave.. so i went outside and got ahold of jackson.. he has been helping me so much though this. and i was better for awhile.. then my dad showed up. .that all went to hell. but i guess he wants to work things out. i dont know if i do. cuz it pisses me off that it took the death of my pappa for him to get his head on stright.. and it hurts. cuz i know that its going to be the same thing all over again ... im gonna open up and he is gonna walk alover everything. but im gonna play along for now.. but im gonna play "hard to get" and make him work for it but the funeral is tomorrow.. and i gotta get up early.. i will so be writing more. cuz more fake ass people are gonna be ther tomorrow. lots to fume about if nothing else.. unless i do like i did today with my mp3 playing and the couch at the showing. but yeah.. need to sleep.. long day today.. longer one tomorrow..

just wanted first of all to thank those who have commented or messaged me. its great to know that you all care so much. its really a great feeling to know that i have great friends. but all is okay. things are better now.. well, i think they are. im not crying as much and niether is the rest of the family. although i feel really bad for joey.. he is the youngest grandchild. and all he could say today was that it was too soon. and i know what he means.. but it really was too soon for him. he is only 12. i have gotten over being mad at pappa for the most part. i understand what happened and that it needed to happnen but im still sad. its werid being in this house with out him here. not seeing him at the head of the table. mamma is refusing to sleep in her bed. which i can understand but at the same time he is there in sprit. and that i what i need to keep in the back of my head. and im am trying to do that. but i still feel the need to cry. but im also trying to be strong for the rest of the kids. i am putting together a picute frame full of different pics of him and family. i think that it will go over well. i just need some help from the family to supply some pics. but im sure they will then im gonna give it to mamma. and i looked up what the meaning of the different rose colors are and i am having the grand kids pick what color they wanna put into the casket with him. i donno maybe doing all of this is part of my way of copping but hey w/e works. but i have been up since 0530 and i did not get to sleep untill 0330 of the same moring.. i am so drained. but life must go on. although this blog does not. night all.. once again thanks. it helps a lot... more than you know

today is very very very very very bad.. i think its the worst day of my life so far and i have only been awake for maybe 2 hours. worst fucking way to wake up and it has just gone from there. my logical side and my emotional side are fighting for my mind and heart. and i dont know which one i want to win.. if the logical side does i will stop crying if the emotional side does i wont stop crying.. i woke up to the phone ringing. not unusual but it was like 530 in the morning so that was a little off. but then its my brother on the phone makes me think even more that i am dreaming. so im talking to ryan he wants to talk to mom.. i dont wanna get out of bed.. but then i relize that something is wrong. i ask him. "pappa is gone" is what comes out of his mouth. i called him a liar. i didnt believe him. thought i was still dreaming. then i notice that the tv is still on.. why if i was dreaming would my tv be on. i hang up on him call my mamma. i didnt know what to say.. all i could say is ryan called and i called him a liar. she conferms the fact that yes pappa is gone. she tells me about how she woke up for work and was trying to wake him up and he was cold. from there i stopped listening.. this was all real. my pappa is really gone. the only man i allowed into my heart is gone. then i starting thinking about the fact that i never got to say good bye.. fucking work has had me there everyweekend since who knows when so i never went down to visit. about how i was gonna go down yesterday if it was a nice day. but i slept all day yesterday cuz i was out all weekend. so i didnt go. i have been saying for weeks that i was gonna go down to visit but never did. couldnt afford the gas money i would tell myself. didnt have time had to work or had plans with friends. never called becuase i told myself that they would be sleeping. and for these later years i didnt know how to talk to him. he was on so many meds that he was always out of it. so i just didnt talk to him. but now i not only not talk to him..but i never got to say good bye. or hug him for the last time. im not really even sure when i was down there the last time. i think its been months. but i know that he would not want me to feel like i had ignored him or abanded him. but he was my pappa i should of known. i should of know something. i was his baby gurl the golden child. he was soposed to see me have kids and play with them. he was soposed to walk me down the alse. but now he is gone and none of that will happen. none of it. cuz he is gone. never to come back. i dont want to be mad at him. but its either him or myself. is it bad to wanna blame a dead person for leaving with no warning rather than blame yourself for not being around enough? i dont want to hate him for leaving. i know it is best he was in pain not happy with life. but damnit he could of let me say good bye.

Images

- her_sadness_by_oloferla

Comments:

breezylynn added this comment 2008-02-23 22:57:21-06:00

It is good for the soul, you know. Because you can look back at how things were then and realize how much better it is now..how you've been able to move on. We will NEVER forget pappa, and we'll love him and miss him forever. But it's healthy to move on with life, instead of dwelling on death. I love you honey... Adopted sissy, Breezy

ladylia added this comment 2008-02-23 09:21:55-06:00

i'm without words

theknowledgeseeker added this comment 2011-10-06 07:10:08-05:00

i'm so sry for your loss! :( i just lost my aunt like two weeks ago :(

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Pappa's Death

ahsil

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