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BACKGROUND INFORMATION: i was in second grade when my sister was a sophomore in high school; she tried to kill herself for the first time that year. i never, and will never know the reasoning behind that, i will never be able to place myself in the past and understand what led her to the conclusion that was her only option, for i was only in second grade and i myself didnt quite understand what i was witnessing. my other sister and i spent the night sitting in the dark on the top bunk pretending to be asleep, listening to my sister cry and my parents figure out what to do. the first time my parents tried to help her themselves, it would be another year before they realized the severity of the situation. in third grade i spent most nights in the hospital waiting room, while my parents visited my sister who again tried to kill herself. i would spend a few more weeks coloring in the waiting room or watching my sister try to unhook herself from machines, screaming and yelling. it wasnt until fourth grade when i realized she was trying to leave, forever. when your 8, 9, 10 years old and you realize your sister, the person you look up to, is trying to kill herself, the question "why?" arises. she blames the family, my mom blames herself, my brothers blame themselves, my other sister blames herself, and i blame myself. no, my sister did not succeed in her actions, after a few months she left for college and has become a very successful person to this day. but as for me, i will never forget the sight of my older sister take weapons to her skin. ALSO; my bestfriend in seventh grade, decided she didnt want to live anymore either, the question "why?" came about again. i knew her family, i knew her life, i knew her. what i didnt know, was what went on inside of her, her constant battle with herself she told me was the reason initially. i used to watch her scratch at her wrists; she'd use anything she could get her hands on to penetrate her skin. i spent weeks at her house, watching her every move, terrified of losing my bestfriend. 5th period June 4, 2008 she was in my class, we didnt have 6th period together, 7th period she was missing. i called her over 100 times after school, at about 7:00pm her dad called me and told me she was in the hospital and he'd call me later with more information. the next year and half consisted of enormous amounts of guilt, and never ending visits to countless hospitals. to this day, i get texts at strange hours with a phone number and address, telling me where she is. and of course i visit her, and it turns out, all along, it was me that drove her to have tremendous pain. IN ADDITION; my little cousin, she’s the light of my world, she is the reason i wake up every morning, just so happens to live quite a distance from myself, and has recently informed me that she wishes to die. she holds her breath at night, digs her nails into her veins and tries to die, she says she’s sick of living without me closer and wants it all to stop. she’s lost all hope. This is far too recent and painful for me to feel comfortable going into detail about yet. THE POINT: every 18 minutes someone on dies from suicide; every 43 seconds someone attempts one. these are horrifying statistics. I’ve recently found myself researching more about the ethics on suicide, what, as a society, we've decided on the matter. i was exposed to depression and suicide at a young age and threes been nothing but since, but threes an alarming number of gloggers who are depressed, and/ or suicidal and it’s been concerning. what leads an entire generation basically to feel this way? why it is that people as young as 10 are willingly falling into labels and stereotypes, and not only that they've decided their fate for the rest of their life. I’m not that concerned about the generation, as a whole attempting suicide, because, it’s not that i don’t take them seriously but I’m not sure if everyone knows exactly what they are saying when they claim to be depressed or suicidal. but this is really beside the point, the statistics of this, does it alarm anyone else? am i the only one that notices the ongoing trend of people longing for attention, closure, love, anything? why is that we long for these things in the first place? i wonder that, primarily because i feel it too. i long for any emotion at this point, i feel as if I've stopped living, and stopped feeling. I've been numb for quite some time now, why is this? can anyone offer insight? why is it that although i am aware of the fact i have the ability to feel, i can’t? as for the nationwide depressed generations, why is it that we can’t just... find happiness around us? why must we search for the things that make us unhappy? I’m not here to point fingers, or out someone, or in this case a "generation," but rather, understand. someone, enlighten me the best you can. I’ve been dealing with these issues for as long as i can remember, and i want answers. I take responsibility for those above, but I know, I can’t be the reason a nationwide epidemic has spread, so someone, please help me out here. [also, if you need any form of help, message me and ask, i am more than willing to help in every way possible.]
Thanks for reading this. Some things you should/ might want to know;; My names Alie, I want to make a difference. I'm not looking to offend, out, or bother anyone with this. Its important to know, have my own "depressed/ suicidal" moments, but don't we all? I'm really just trying to find some answers, and to do that I'm asking that you read this, and if you have anything to say; dont hesitate. I'm using Glogster as my outlet for this, because it has the most variety when it comes to public forms. I believe that by publishing this on here, I wont encounter any personal bias, like I would on facebook; or another cite where I have a personal realationship with my readers. My apologizes for the tough topic.
aliexalien added this comment 2010-10-03 14:13:54-05:00
well, thank yah.
tombstonetrash added this comment 2010-10-02 20:18:07-05:00
i like the music, it's not, scream. lol
aliexalien added this comment 2010-09-27 19:05:40-05:00
thanks so much for all your messages! its helped me understand a whole bunch more (:
aliexalien added this comment 2010-10-03 14:13:54-05:00
well, thank yah.
tombstonetrash added this comment 2010-10-02 20:18:07-05:00
i like the music, it's not, scream. lol
aliexalien added this comment 2010-09-27 19:05:40-05:00
thanks so much for all your messages! its helped me understand a whole bunch more (: