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Hurt
“I try to kill it all away…but I remember everything”. This line from one of my favourite songs almost offers me comfort as I sit alone in my room surrounded by nothing but my own broken thoughts. It seems that since I left my heart with someone else, I have been unable to do anything but play the mistakes I have made in the last five years over and over again in my mind. Every time I breathe in, I worry that I won’t be able to exhale, that my breath will finally catch in my throat and that is how it will all end for me. Sometimes memories come crashing into me so hard that my heart skips a beat, and that beat gets filled with regret and guilt. I fear that soon that’s all I will be; an empty shell, an awkward pause in a conversation or even worse…just that dull ache that lives on in all our hearts after we lose something we once held dear. What is it that I remember most? What is it that keeps hurting and hurting and doesn’t seem to want to let me move on? Am I simply holding back because I don’t want to feel anything for anyone anymore? Am I dwelling in the past because it’s easier than looking to the future? I loved him so much that it makes me sick that what we had can be simply reduced to nothing more than a word. Love. It’s like a ghost…we all talk about them but we rarely see any ourselves. I try to stop the angry churning in my stomach when I think of him, but more often than not it’s impossible because he doesn’t need me anymore and I have been reduced to a sobbing mass of loneliness. I do not know when everything started to go wrong…or maybe I do and I just can’t bring myself to admit that it was all me, everything could have been prevented if only I hadn’t been so hungry to feel love. Regardless, I have lost the battle of him and I. I will never have another chance and I may very well spend the rest of my life trying to forget all we had and all we could have made together. My best friend is gone, and that’s why I am writing this, because if I let it all out, maybe someday I will be able to forgive myself, and he will realize I am only human, and humans are bound to error and judgement. He will see that it was not anything he did that pushed me to someone else, but the things we couldn’t do for one another. Most importantly I hope he will see that he does not have to hate me…because hate will only hurt him later in life. If he reads this, he will stop hating me at all, because he will see that I hate myself for him.
