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She sits there every night same old thing cant even think without things that happen ..they just get to her the past...even the present every night same dreams same nightmares haunt her without her being able to control it.. and then when she gets angry she becomes a completely diffrent person took her years to figure it out and took her 10 years to figure out how to control it. then came the research she was confused and when she was little she was very much controlled.. well i say controlled more like "blackmailed" her life became his and the more she tried to escape the clever he became....like the time when he says "my life is in your hands" everyday she use just sit there pucking up the courage thinking il do it il stop it.. but she was too scared and ashamed till this day she is ashamed. she hardly spoke when she was little which made it easier for people to just TREAD on her but she let it .. the most she got was hi shed sit ther at home lost...reality.. lost her age..lost her childhood to the point were she played with dolls till she was 13 and then discoverd she could go out....but then was to scared to out side to her was like...suffercation she felt more safe in her home which was not right. n till this day when she gets angry and black out te other side comes out.. the side thats yeh fuck it all up side, the side that doesnt trust anyone but a few... the side that tried to protect but fails alllll the fucking time so now this girl when she gets angry she shakes and just silences her self like that little girl she use be because if she spoke out ..well shed probbly just fuck up her own life say things that were very harsh do things that were unforgivable.. and when she tries to tell people only one person has understood her and she has respect for him .... she visits him in town bt rarely talks about her "other side" because sounds ridics so only way she controls her self now...well even i dont know that i guess figitings and being quiet does the trick but what really goes on in her head is not really for me to say .. as no one would understand it not even i my self... because it is me... confused girl frm the age of 7-14 i get blackmailed and then when im finally free im scared to do anything... to even talk out loud ....theres only certain times im happy but when im down i have to quickly get out of it or i just black out and the nightmares... only way to get rid of them are sleeping pills n i refuse it.. il figure it out.. but till then lets try and under stand the state of mind because thats whats really annoying... for now though il fix everyone else ...save me for last hopefully i dnt have to do that ever... cuz its too hard i tried n ended up ill pahaha :/ i guess im just one sick little girl who cant grown up because she doesnt actually know reality untill it hits her and when it does BLOCKAGE so yeah .... fuck my mind il just pretend its all flowers and that my past were roses ... and my futre is deffinatly roses hopefullly buts thats for another time .....
