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Dear Elizabeth, My husband has been called to war, and in the tradition of the knights has left me home wearing a chastity belt. I had no other option but to comply, but I am quite miserable. As if the stench weren’t enough, the itching is unbearable! He has been gone for month with no word concerning hi return. I have talked to some of the other village women, and they too have had similar problems, along with other maladies that they swear have come about due to wearing a belt. I am concerned that prolonged wear will hamper my abilities to bear children. Is there anything I can do to relieve these ailments? Or better yet, I there a safe and legal way to get the belt removed? Sincerely, Loyal but Itchy. Dear Itchy, Firstly, congratulations on snagging a knight as a husband! We all know that catching a knight attention can be nearly impossible. However it is sad to note that in these times, when knights have been called to war, many wives have been left wearing these uncomfortable chastity belt. To prevent a general “garderobe” smell, I suggest a weekly wash. Washing too infrequently will bring about a foul odour that will follow you around wherever you go! For itching or burning, I suggest ingesting wild indigo, white beyony, Echinacea, or mistletoe. Wild yams are also useful, as they are anti inflammatory and help prevent uterine pain. Many of these herbs can be found in the common garden. If you are not already growing these plants, then I suggest y start! There is no evidence that indicates that chastity belts decrease fertility; if you keep yourself clean physically and spiritually, such as practicing healthy habits and attending church, then you should be able to bear children after wearing a belt for an extended time. It is unfortunate, but scores of women lost their husbands in war. If you receive news of your husband’s death, you may approach the Court for permission to remove the belt, and the means by which to remove it. Sincerely, Elizabeth
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