news from an old story

joininvoice4ever

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I swore to myself that I would find him before I graduated this spring and left for college this coming fall. I always thought that I wanted to tell him off and tell him how he fucked my life up. To show him the scars of the cuts in my arms, legs, and chest. The scars of the pain that he gave to me. December 31st, with only six hours left in 2009, I was given that chance. And it was finally at that moment that I realized that that wasn't what I wanted to do.

My friends and I went to GrandSlam (an arcade with lazertag, games, batting cages, minigolf, and bumpercars). When we went to use up on arcade tokens I went to the front desk to see what kind of prizes they had in exchange for tickets won. That's when I saw him. As I turned the corner, I saw the side of his face. I instantly knew it was him. It all happened in a fraction of a millisecond. Now I know how true adrenaline of fear feels. I turned around and hoped taht he hadn't seen me. I raced back to my boyfriend, tightly grabbed his arm probly pinching him, and said "he's here." He looked concerned, "Who's here? Are you okay? That was kinda voilent (refering to me grabbing his arm) and it hurt." I just looked at him with fear and sorrow and hurt burning in my eyes. Then he got it and took me tightly in a hug and asked if I wanted to leave. I quickly told him no because there was no way that this man was gonna ruin my new years eve. I spend the next half an hour trying to figure out what to say to him. I knew that I would never forgive myself if I didn't say anything to him. In line for lazertag I decided waht I'd say to him. After lazertag my friends went to bumper cars and I gathered all my courage and strength and walked over to the table he was sitting at with a woman on the phone and a little boy (perhaps his family). I said his name twice before he looked up then he turned around and looked up at me in disbelief. I continued knowing now that it was him, "You probably don't even remember me. Umm, does this help...Coach." I called him by what I had always called him before. He stood up and came in for a hug, I tensed up and got really nervous. Last time that I had let this man hold me in a hug he had pressed his lips against mine and had forced my lips open with his tongue. We then actually had a conversation. We talked about how I no longer play volleyball which he was disappointed about. He truly thought I had talent, when I've realized taht I never really did. I was just always the best on the team, but never even close to the best that exist. He continually told me over and over again that I looked great. Yeah, that was a little creepy, I'd rather he didn't look at my body that way. There was a pause in the small talk we'd created. And I continued, "Well I had promised myself that I would find and talk to you before I graduated and left for college. I wanted you to know that I forgive you." Yes, I had finally realized that I wanted to forgive him to his face and be able to put this all behind me forever. He seemed very relieved, "You don't know how much that means to me. I am so sorry. I wanted to come back and talk to you and tell you how sorry I was. But I decided that staying away would be better." Well I am very glad that he had stayed away. He asked how I had known it was him, as he had been sitting with his back away from the walkway. I told him that I had just recognized him. In my head I thought that when you hang out with some one as much as I had with him, you don't forget certain things. And I am a very observant girl so I remembered his eyes, deeply set brown eyes with red hovering around the outsides. I recognized the ring on his finger and also that his right pinky was missing. He seemed really sorry and that he had been thinking alot about it just as I had. I think that because he wasn't expecting me in the least bit, that close to everything that happened was true and from the heart. I'm more happy about this occurance than I thought I would be. But I feel like the nightmares move on. I told him taht I've been thinking for the past four years about what I would say to him. I'm happy that I no longer will live in fear of what would happen if he found me or if I ran into him. I finally feel free. I feel like me going to GrandSlam and seeing and talking to him were meant to be and it was meant to be my end to a great 2009!!