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The darkness opened, the view slowly clearing. I heard a voice, the EMT’s, talking to me: “Open your eyes, Mackenzie, Put your Hand on my shoulder. You have to walk down the stairs. My hand was on her shoulder, but not of my accord. I watched my hand pick itself up and place itself on the woman’s shoulder. It was my hand, just not my mind. My mind was lost in its on world, swirling, and then disappearing again. I heard a voice. Deep. Sad. Caring. “Don’t close Your eyes, Mackenzie Don’t do That to me.” My eyes resisted as I opened them, begging me to let go. There he was, in the ambulance with me. His face came into focus: His blonde hair… His green eyes... His perfect lips… Charlie. He leaned back onto the bench opposite me. Crossing his arms, he glared at me. “You could, At the very Least, Say ‘Hi.’ Or even Acknowledge That I’m Here.” I looked up at him, “Hi.” “That’s better. Now why are you here?” I looked at him as if he were the crazy one and not I. Surely he could hear the EMT’s discussing everything: My condition… My actions… My stupidity… “Yes, I can. But, I want to Make you Admit your Own idiocy.” Now I was the one glaring. He hadn’t changed a single bit from when we had dated. Always trying to make me a better person. Always making me face my faults. That’s what I loved about him. I started to cry, wail actually, the sobbing, choking noises coming out of my throat, the spit and snot and tears all emerging from their designated orifices on my face. He gently moved me, making enough room on the gurney for himself. “It’s ok. You didn’t take enough. You’ll stay right here, with me.” Soft lips touched my forehead, his arms wrapped around my body, holding my face to his chest. I cried into his shirt, Wanting to believe he was really there. Wanting to believe it was really him. Wanting to believe that my mind hadn’t been so cruel as to create an imaginary Charlie. I closed my eyes, squeezing the last of my guilty tears out of my eyes. I opened them again, and he was gone. All that was beside me was the blanket they had wrapped me with, balled up next to my face, soaked with stupid salt water. I closed my eyes again, trying to fall asleep, to forget what I had done. The backs of my eyes turned red, like they used to when I would close my eyes in the sunlight. But it wasn’t sunlight that was blinding me. It was the fluorescent tubes of mercury that were shining above me. I sat up. The straps were gone. I was on a hospital bed, in the hallway of the psychiatric ward. A nurse, Teri, walked up with a paper bag and robes. Handing them to me, she directed me to the bathroom. “You’ll need To take off Everything. Bra and Underwear Included.” I walked to the bathroom. The nurse outside of the door handed me a small plastic cup. “You know What this Is for.” I nodded and closed the door. I sat on the toilet, and managed to pee in the cup. I stood, flushed, and as I walked to the sink, a familiar, yet fictitious face, peeked around the curtain. Jumping, I tried to pull my pants up from around my ankles. He laughed, looking at my underwear, he said: “Cute. I think… Hmm… I think I remember Those…” I blushed as I remembered what he was referring to. My boy cut pink and orange panties; those were the first panties he had ever seen me wear. I turned away, my face beet red in the mirror as I washed my hands. He looked away as I pulled my shirt off and put the first gown on, covering my chest. He turned back just as I was attempting to tie it in the back. Long, beautiful, callused, artistic, yet imagined fingers swatted mine away and swiftly tied the knot so I would be covered. He let me support myself on him as I pulled my underwear down and stepped out of my pants. While I put on my second robe, he folded my clothes, putting them neatly in the bag. I turned away and started walking towards the door. He stayed where he was, looking at the floor. “You know They can’t See me. Right?” I nodded. “You know I’m not really here. Right?” I nodded again. “They’ll Think you’re… Well… crazy.” I shook my head. “They won’t Know that I can see you.” Charlie nodded slowly, letting his blonde hair fall solemnly over one beautiful, green, imagined eye. He followed me out, always staying behind me, not wanting to reveal our secret. I gave everything to the nurse and sat down on the bed. I waited for Charlie to get comfortable and then settled in next to him, just like we used to. “Huh. Who knew? A hospital Gurney is Actually A lot more Comfortable Than my floor.” I giggled quietly, causing Mum to look at me concerned. Callused make-believe fingers touched my lips, fictitious eyes and looking at me sternly. He shook his head, telling me to keep quiet. I nodded, and smiled. I turned away, facing my Mum, smiling softly at her, trying to convey humility, sorrow, and understanding all in the brief twitch of my mouth. Soft lips tickled my ear, and then I heard him, my hallucinated Charlie singing softly: “We fell so far From home, Conscious of All the Questions You will Never ask. I'll wait and see if you can ever reach a Different Ending. I'm holding My breath, And we don't Have long.” He kept singing. He sang through the blood tests. He sang through the psych tests. He sang through my pain. I could hear him singing our song, singing every word perfectly as if the words were right in front of him. He sang through the interview with the police officer. Officer Matt Croy, walked to me and began asking why, how, what was going through my mind. I detailed everything. I told him how Mum and I were fighting. I told him how I had felt. Worthless. Guilty. Sad. “But we are ok, Tonight is The only Thing that Matters. It's everything You’ve ever wanted. But we are ok, And even as The world Dissolves Around us We’ll sit Inside and Watch it all Come down. Don't worry babe, We can work it out.” I had looked through the kitchen, searching for a way out. Knives. Knives would hurt. The blood would stain the carpet. Blood is hard to get out of the carpet. Pills. Pills were painless. There was no mess. There would be no stains to haunt my Mum. “What have They done? Is this the Only choice? For us to Completely give in? How could this happen? For all we know This could Have all Been planned A long time ago. So why be alone? We won’t Be alone.” I had shaken all the pills out of my pill box. Five Fluoxetine. Five Vyvanse. That wouldn’t be enough. I searched our cabinets, looking for prescriptions, anything, that would complete my goal. Mum’s purse. Five Vicodin. I poured them out into my hand, and took a swig of the drink that happened to be next to it. My hands started shaking, my mind clouding over. I needed more. I kept looking, hoping to find something to quicken the end result. There was nothing. “But we are ok, Tonight is The only Thing that matters. It's everything You’ve ever Wanted. But we are ok, And even As the world Dissolves Around us We’ll sit Inside and Watch it all Come down. Let the Tide walk alone. Rely on no one To pull it in. Did you Think that It would Be different? So did I...” Will walked out into the living room, where I was sitting and crying. I needed to tell him. There wasn’t anything to finish me off. I had to tell him. Maybe I shouldn’t do this. “But we Are ok, Tonight is The only Thing that Matters. It's everything You’ve ever Wanted. But we are ok, And even as The world Dissolves Around us We’ll sit Inside and Watch it All come down.” There was commotion. Will running to get Mum. Mum half dragging-half carrying me to the bathroom. Somebody’s fingers down my throat. Then there were people I didn’t know. Cops. EMT’s. And I was in an ambulance. With my fabricated, imaginary, hallucinated Charlie. “Even as The world Dissolves Around us, We will Watch it all Come Down.”
Chasing Life
twistidshady added this comment 2010-09-21 19:25:44-05:00
very emotional
twistidshady added this comment 2010-09-21 19:25:44-05:00
very emotional