Time's running out.

penguinmaster

,United States

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I know this is going to sound…clich or whatever, but I don’t know how else to put it there’s hardly anything that gives me true happiness anymore. I thought I was okay, but I was so fucking wrong. Oh so wrong. Time’s running out and I’m loosing options. I’m beyond lost and hopeless. Every smile is fake; every laugh is forced--it’s just to keep others satisfied, so they don’t ask questions. I hate the questions. I hate the hurt, the pain, the hatred and the suffering. I can’t count the times I’ve held a blade to my wrist within the last six months. I can recollect every haunting memory of the cutting and endless heart-rendering pain. I hate it all but I can’t rid it. It’s like it’s all that I have left for me to go on and even now…it’s not enough. I want to feel alive again, I want to feel some emotion other than fear and regret and…everything else. The view from on top of a roof would be comforting, the feel of the blade slicing my skin would be calming. I’ve reached out so many times that it’s pointless by this time. Within the last five years, I’ve lost myself in my pain and I wish to find a way to start again--to start over. I don’t know how long I can hold myself up, keep myself going, I can’t see a future for me anymore. I’ve given it so many chances that I scream so loudly but no one hears me. I rip apart my insides for someone to see and yet, they’re all blind. I want someone to look past the “Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired.” and demand I say something about it. I want someone to look into my eyes and see how much I just want to break down and cry. The little things give away people that I mean nothing to them. That we don’t mean anything to each other. It’s the simple passing glances, the smiles and the laughs that deepen the pain of everyday human life. I’m always counted on the person that everyone can come to and tell what’s wrong and expect good advice. I’ve never felt so alone in a crowded room as I do now. I’ve been battling this for several years and everything has deceived me. Memories of me and people really close to me are what keep me going for the most part. I’m just so…I don’t know what to do anymore. And it’s like no one wants to reach out and help me-and that’s all I want. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was for someone to reach out and see how badly I’m hurting and how horrible and useless I feel to the daily life. I feel myself disappearing daily as I go on, pretending I’m fine and that I’m happy as everyone in the world simply stares. I’ve never wanted more than for someone to say “You’re not okay, what’s wrong?” and just allow me to break down without the insatiable questions. I’m drowning in a sense of pain and misery and I can’t get out of it; there isn’t a reaching hand for me to grasp and I’m slipping further into it. I’m slipping further into the darkness of dread and depression that I can’t find my way out of it and it’s as if I don’t want to. It’s as if I constantly scream but I have nothing to say, but I know I can’t keep going on like this. I’m so sick of everything around me that I want it to go away--minus the very few things that give me happiness. I’d have to say that the friends reading this and the one who owns my heart are the only things that keep me truly happy--no matter how I feel. It’s like my spine crumbles more and more everyday, no matter how hard I try to repair it. Yeah, I’m young and people are going to say “Oh, you’re just going through the things of growing up.” but what they don’t understand is I’ve been fighting this for years and no one knows it because I’ve learned to hide it so well and no one tries to break through my defenses. I feel like a misused mistake and that I’m some regret and burden on people’s shoulders. I hate that I feel this way but it’s all true. I’d beg on my knees for someone to save me if they could. I’d give anything; I’m on the verge of slipping and I can’t get back up. I hate feeling so helpless, so insecure, the hatred, the pain, the suffering, the regrets, the urge to end it; I hate the crying, the yelling, the silent screaming, the feeling of being utterly alone no matter who’s around me. I smile on the outside but scream wordlessly on the inside. I scream to be released, to be set free, to someone see the hurt, too see that deep in my eyes how badly I want to cry. The cutting only sustained me temporarily and once it didn’t cause me physical pain, I was overwhelmed with such emotional pain that I cried for days, and I still cry. I cry for my unsupportive family, for the friends who don’t notice, for the people who don’t even know I exist but we see each other everyday. I hate feeling invisible to the world, yet I want to disappear. I know, doesn’t make any sense. I’m tired of the faade of being okay, of being happy and content. I do have some happiness, but most of it is forced and it makes me feel like I’m lying to everyone, which makes me feel worse. It’s as if all my emotions are slipping away from me and I’m dying quicker than ever. My heart is slowing down and beating it’s last beats and there’s nothing I can do. I call out for people, but I fall faster and faster until I’m past their reach and I just want to leave this life behind me and start anew because apparently I’m not worth saving. It seems as if my heart would be too dark to care for anyone or anything, and yet I do care for certain people and I can’t help it. The air that surrounds me feels like a personal cage and everything is a camouflage that resembles rage and hatred. My true smile was taken from me years ago and if there’s a way for me to change, I hope I’ll never find out. I’m tired of the neglect to fix the sickness that claims my youth; the misuse and abuse that I suffer on a daily.

the misuse and abuse that I suffer on a daily. Old wounds are refreshed and old scars are constantly ripping open to prove that time doesn’t heal all wounds. No matter what I did, it wouldn’t be enough--five years ago, I could’ve put a gun to my head and pull the trigger like it’s nothing, and I’m afraid that it’s going to get back to that this time. I’ve tried so hard…I’ve taken the “medication for the kids who don’t want to live”-as the doctors so kindly put it-and it’s not doing anything. I hate when the teachers try to sympathize with me because they have no idea what I’m going through and never will. They can never level with how I feel, they can never understand how close I am to giving up on everything. It makes no difference who I talk to-they’re all the same. Everyone tries to relate to how someone feels… “Oh, I know what you’re going through, but you’ll pull through…” No, you don’t know what I’m going through and you never will. No one ever will. Just like I’ll never know what you’re going through and never be able to quite feel what you’re feeling. My limbs grow heavy and numb with every aching step I take. My blood runs thin and could spill out at any time. I’m so tired of being here, so tired of being trapped by fears of disappoint people, of not being good enough for some people or not being able to live up to their expectations. This pain is way too real; there’s far too much that happened for time to erase from my mind. I’m tired of not being good enough for my parents, for my family. I hate being “the weird one” of the family. It drives me insane. Everything used to captivate me but I’m bound to this planet by the life that I refused to leave behind. And hopefully when it’s my time to go, people will forgive the wrongs that I’ve done. My dad tells me that I treat them so badly and take advantage of them so much that when they’re dead and gone, I’ll want to fix it and regret everything but there’s nothing I can do and I’ll be alone and carry that for the rest of my life. I can’t handle that. I can’t handle the fact that my parents basically hate me in life and after death. Through all these years, I’ve been there for them and I don’t understand what went wrong during my childhood. Things in life aren’t worth a fake smile over anymore and it’s pointless to even try. I cry on the inside because I’m scared to show my fears, regret, and pain. I try my so very hardest to be strong for my friends and be the one they can come to and be that shoulder they can cry on, no matter what it is. But, what I need the most is for someone to give me a shoulder to cry on; to ask me what’s been going on, that they can tell there’s something wrong and they want to help. I know it shows, I’m very open about my facial expressions and I know that it damn well shows. I know my eyes show the hurt, and the screaming from the inside that’s tearing me apart very slowly. I don’t want to cry anymore, I want to be able to look at something and smile with genuine happiness. I feel like I’m washing away, slowly disappearing more and more as every lonely day passes and every dark night goes by. I would give anything for someone to see that. To see that I’m in such pain and I could break down at any minute. But I don’t. I don’t show that to my friends because they see me as emotionally strong-willed and able to deal with anything--regardless what it may be. I’ve dealt with death, suicide, harm, and loosing friends within the last four years and I’m beginning I don’t need another one. It seems like this life is so wasted and there’s nothing left to do but throw it away and give up. I don’t see beauty in things I used to. Like the sunrise, or a summer’s evening, or snow-topped mountain…I don’t see any beauty in it, and it drives me mad that I feel this way. I understand that I’m repeating a lot of things, but it feels better to write them more than once. I never meant to cause some people close to me pain or sorrow; I just want them to be happy. Even if that means I don’t get to be. It’s something I’m used to. Time’s running out for me, and the days are growing darker and darker. I’m growing tired and weary with everything around me and I’m not sure what to do about it all. I don't want to cry anymore, i don't want to suffer, i don't want to feel the hurt and the pain that I do. I want to look at something with genuine happiness. Everything's distant to me, and i don't know what to believe in anymore. I just want to leave everything behind. It's been four years of torment and I don't need another one. I've tried to hard, and i want to say goodbye and start over with nothing and no one. It hurts to much to breathe, like i'm choking on nothing, but i've got to say this. I'm afraid it won't be enough to help me in any way. All i ask is someone to see past my 'Yeah, i'm fine.'

-Amber

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- bgr_gothic_041
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Audio (only names)

The Devil Wears Prada-Louder than thunder

Comments:

redpinnaple added this comment 2010-01-20 20:56:05-06:00

ive seen past ur fake expressions but im scared too ask u whats really going on...to be honest with u i could never understand what ur goin thorugh ...i want to, but i can't n i feel helpless... like there is nothing i can do for u.... i feel useless but u'v been through so much n that makes u tougher than i... n it doesn't have to b physically ....i even feel weird saying this to u cuz i don't even know u that well but want i want u to know is that i try to understand u... n ur have a point in living:)

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