help me, save me from... myself...

pinkarmywifey

,United States

Next
Glog All
Glogs

Create new Glog

Choose from the following Glog templates to start:

All Glogs by pinkarmywifey

Flash

Embed this Glog

Stats:

353 views | 6 likes | 0 reposts

Private print

You can embed this Glog

Full size Glog 960x1300

Blog size glog 560x758

Feed size Glog 360x488

Text

<----- Scroll <-----

each

side

help me... save me... from..... myself.....

I try my best to only let it out when I’m alone, but that scares me sometimes too I hate it happens when I’m driving It’s dangerous enough driving, but to add crying, & bad thoughts doesn’t help any at all During my fits, I wonder who would really miss me? When I’m “normal“, I know better, I have many many people that love me & care about me But I don’t think about that when I’m crying, etc I don’t want to be known as some nutcase I don’t want to have only gotten worse I don’t want to add anymore diagnosis’ to my current list I broke my ankle back in Feb Right after he got back That was scary My first break, first ambulance ride, first surgery, first overnight hospital stay since I was 2. I was on crutches a long time I have metal inside me My birthday weekend I went into the ER in Livingston I had a bloodclot behind my lung DVT in my left leg I was scared I’m a hard stick Over 30 times they stuck me Finally I hadta get a catheter line Three tubes the size of an ink pen cartridge hadta be fed into my heart I never want one again It hurt I cried ICU for almost a week Mikey was there for me the whole time, we were at each other’s throats, I was extra emotional, hormonal Guess I shoulda expected it being on my period & all Been on coumadin since April 6th Still have to get stuck once or more a month I can get off of it now Have to to have a baby But should stay on it til we move I’m scared to stop it I don’t want another clot If it had been my left side, I would’ve thought I was having a heart attack I have a high pain tolerance I don’t like admitting I’m in pain I hate takin medicine Most pain meds don’t work I currently take 10 pills a night I take 3 vitamins in the AM Hubby calls me a pharmacy I feel like one I can’t be on ‘the pill’ anymore Haven’t since April 6th They say that it helped to contribute to the clots Wouldn’t want to now anyways Cuz we want a baby I sleep a LOT I sleep so that I don’t have to ‘deal’ I can sleep all day I don’t care about getting up to do anything for anybody Not even me I will get up for the bathroom That’s it Even then sometimes I wake up & ignore the feeling Elmo just lays there with me All day All night Daddy has to come get her to take her outside to potty Otherwise, she’d just stay with me She’s such a loyal dog She’s 11 Don’t know what I’ll do when she’s gone I’m 23 years old & I feel like I’m falling apart I have major joint pain/issues in my knees & have been told to get an x-ray I have one ruptured disc in my lower back & the one right below is bulging & sometimes I have out of this world migraines I’m too young to have so much wrong with me Mama’s scared about me movin off Mikey being at work & me cowerin in a corner cryin Or something like that She doesn’t want me so far away & not back to bein’ me

Not enough meds? Or too many? Wrong combination? I have to know! We want to start a family! Want can I be on & what must I stop? What are my/our options? I’m not getting any better Life is stressful, it is for everyone, but not everyone reacts the way I do I’ve become waaay too emotionally unstable The slightest lil thing can set me off Mental/emotional breakdown… meltdown… whatever you want to call it…. It’s not good I cry uncontrollably, bawling my eyes out, screaming/crying things like ‘I want my Mommy!’ I know this shouldn’t be happening But I don’t know how to correct it Something, somewhere, just clicks… it’s on…. Then, it will ‘turn off’ just as fast…. Then, back on Happens a lot when I’m driving… Which is not good Mostly because I try so hard to hold it in, keep it secret when I’m around ppl Then when I’m alone, it lets loose It’s hard to drive when I’m crying My tears sting…. Burn…. Why? I don’t want ppl to know I don’t want to seem weak, incapable But lately it seems all I am capable of is disappoint & failure concerning those I love most We’re moving soon Mikey’s been away at training school since Aug 4th Expecting him home the 20th or 21st of this month It won’t be soon enough He usually gets the brunt of it I hate that Makes him feel miserable/inadequate because he’s helpless Yet at the time, things he says only make me feel worse He doesn’t mean to say hurtful things Most prolly wouldn’t even consider them hurtful But when I’m in the midst of crying, etc They only make me feel worse He hates when I cry about this kinda thing Because there’s nothing he can really do to help & knowing that it makes him feel bad, well, that just makes me feel worse I feel detached, floaty, like I’m not in me Not an out of body experience, but like I’m just existing, going thru the motions, & lil else I hear things Not voices But sounds, music, singing? Nothing significant It’s not like I’m being told to do stuff But it’s scary Sometimes I see things that aren’t really there When I drive, I get tunnel vision I can’t concentrate, my eyes wander, flicker, blur We have to move, by November 4th, he’ll be a recruiter Denham Springs, Baton Rogue, three years So much danger, hurricane country, what will we do? I was lookin forward to settling down Knowing we will be somewhere for 3 years But I don’t want to have to pack up all the time to outrun nature I’m workin for Daddy Tryin to help him run the race track It’s so stressful, he asks a lot, but doesn’t mean to make things worse He just found out how bad it was, he had no idea I broke down to him Saturday night Something that happened at the track helped to ‘set me off’ I held it all in while we ate afterwards… it all came out on the way home He was driving his truck, I was following…. All by myself At his house, I think the smoke is too much I can tell the difference in the air when he’s not in the room Sometimes it’s like I can feel the nicotine scratching my nose, mouth & throat I’m worried about my lungs 2nd hand smoke I scare Elmo sometimes…. My dog… I’m crying uncontrollably & just want someone to hold I hug her close….. She backs away She doesn’t understand I can’t expect her to I don’t even understand I miss Fudge…. She’s been gone since April Daddy’s asks what can he do to help? Just tell him & he’ll do it Nothing, I say, I don’t know what anyone can do, but I have to find out I’ve been worryin about not bein a good mommy I want to be So bad We want a family, but I don’t want to be one of those unpredictable parents…. I can’t risk that

Images

- SparklyPills
- pills on shelves against mirror
- happy sad pills
- itsy_bitsy_pills___p2_by_nocturnalMoTH
- spilt pills
- white lab coat handful of pills
- color changing pills
- my special candy
- smile & reach for the pills just to survive
- trail of pills
- rainbow swirl pills
- sad pill bottle
- bowl of pills with spoon
- rainbow pills horizontal
- pink glitter lips biting pill
- pills spell HELP
- pills miley
- drowning in pills
- numb me
- neon pills
- itsy_bitsy_pills___p1_by_nocturnalMoTH
- man made ofpills
- i don't think my pills are working sliding down banister
- happy dancing pill bottle
- glass of pills
- glow in the dark pills
- medicine cabinet
- pill poppin
- artificial happiness
- a pill to make you numb a pill to make you anybody else but all the drugs in the world can't save you from yourself
- a handful a day keeps the memories at bay
- Pills_by_amit77
- gold pills
- pills_by_Ptiteouch
- hands holding color changin pills
- Pills_by_pacifier
- pink & black Prevacid pills
- Pills_by_Iowa_Dead
- jslw 2008

Comments:

gigglboxxx added this comment 2008-09-19 16:24:16-05:00

wow <_>

squirrelygurl added this comment 2008-09-30 23:22:33-05:00

wow hun i really hope you find a doctor that can tell you wats going on with you and that can help get you better. ill definitely be praying for you- no doubt. :)

pinkarmywifey added this comment 2008-09-18 06:33:58-05:00

well y'all, the new meds seem to be workin' my only prob now is my sleeping habits... but pretty much as far as the other probs go, i'm dealin' really well. even got some 'venting' msgs from the hubs yesterday that normally woulda make me go into a fit... but i just teared up a lil' & pushed on. he apologized later with no prompting. 'course it DOES help that he'll be driving home this weekend after 45 days apart.. i really appreciate y'alls concern & thoughts, i'll keep u updated p.s. doin the glog & just gettin' it "out there" was therapy as well thank u Glogster! :p

kristenrei added this comment 2008-09-18 01:34:54-05:00

....erm....

kristenrei added this comment 2008-09-17 00:12:00-05:00

Well hun you need to keep going to diff drs until one listens. It's a pain I know.

Glogster Home page

help me, save me from... myself...

pinkarmywifey

Choose from the following Glog templates to start:

All Glogs by pinkarmywifey

Stats:

You can embed this Glog

Comments:

Tags

Choose from the following Glog templates to start:

All Glogs by pinkarmywifey

Share on:

Stats:

You can embed this Glog

Comments:

Tags