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I had a thought, a thought of overwhelming sadness and yet sudden self-awareness. At the same moment I made a wish that I had appreciated literature lot more than I did. One rarely thinks of simple things like that but today is one of those days for me, a day of philosophising with myself as no one really does at twenty, maybe even social suicide to mention such things. Watching a movie this morning I made a strange realisation, the typical “rebel” is nothing like they used to be. When someone was rebellious the only reason was because he did know better but chose not to be that way. He was an intellectual male, read poetry knew history was fluent in more than one language because he chose to be, could play an instrument or sing or act something in the dramatics interested him. He was every mothers dream in theory but, when it came to it he was bored in class because he already knew what he needed to therefore cause mischief, he smoked, he swore, he was liberal in any and every manner possible, he’s friends were the same but not carbon copies all free thinkers and not scared to show it, hence the trouble making. They rebelled because they knew better, unlike the unwashed miscreants that walk proudly “bunking” school to be the best amongst an insignificant hierarchy of “cool” guys. It’s quite pathetic if you think about it what is the point of the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude if you don’t actually know better? Reading is such a fantastic thing but how often do you see young people reading that aren’t called freaks or nerds. Is it that socially devastating to be seen reading a novel let alone poetry or something written in old english text that’s termed irrelevant just because it’s not understood. “No, I’ll wait until the DVD comes out.” A common comment heard even within my own four walls, said by even myself unfortunately. I feel though that I might be partially excused for the time being, the illusion of a craving stops me from reading barely anything other than textbooks ones I don’t enjoy but as said I mislead myself into being interested for the obvious goal once completed. Unfortunately I tend to dangle a carrot in front of myself on a regular basis as bargain novels are so easy to come by. Today it happen as many times before only this time I might not actually read it, or maybe I will make time on the weekends I don’t study during them anyway. I’ve been rambling and not really getting to the point, the one I started off with, the wish if you please. I wished I had a better appreciation of literature all of it. I despised it in school undoubtedly because I was ignorant and only understood what I wanted to. It was here where I discovered my aroused need for Shakespeare, something I finally understood not easily I’d admit but a little bit of effort and I'd be laughing at satire that sometimes soared above classmates heads. I wish I had fallen in love earlier! Nowadays all I want to do is learn and read, become more aware and less ignorant about everything around me, to be able to have conversations and use words that had more than one or two syllables in them without saying my name. I have this desire to be one of those rebels swear not because my vocabulary is so insignificant that I cannot think of a suitable adjective but because I can. Knowledge is power there is no doubt in my mind about that now, but the ones that have that power use it in a way that only the ones amongst them understand and appreciate. It’s almost a mockery if you think about it as if to say “I know I am intellectual and I can act like you, you on the other hand are ignorant and can’t be me.” Funny, when you think of it that way isn’t it... Well like I said, today was just one of those days that I have a thought, trivial as it may be it’s just a thought that I felt I might share with you. Regards Pamalynne
