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Ever since I was little I've always been the type to fall hard.
It's never done me any favors until recently.
By total chance, he IMs me.
It's an actual intelectual message.
None of this 'Show me your tits' Bullshit I'm used to.
It's pleasing to know there are still some people who think with their upper heads out there.
I respond, and we get to talking.
We talk about a lot.. I start to trust him.
I give him my msn... Risky move, but I thought he was worth it.
We talk daily, for hours at a time.
Sometimes as late as 3 or 4 AM.
One day it just clicks, I know I've fallen for him.
I can't get him out of my mind.
I start missing him when we don't talk for even an hour.
I text him often and find myself waiting by my phone just waiting for his name to appear.
Every time it does I smile.
I get butterflies in my tummy and I get nervous.
Each text making me fall harder, and harder.
One day we decide to have a deep conversation.
I tell him my darkest secret that only 3 other people know.
I've given him my full trust.
Then he responds with a story of his own...
A cocktail of emotions rush through me.
I can't tell how I feel...
Sad? Well, it wasn't a happy story...
Upset? He's obviously smitten with this girl.
Annoyed? How could I have fallen so hard and missed all the signs?
Hurt? I thought he felt something towards me..
Confused. That was the emotion I settled on.
I don't know what to say to him.
I don't want to do anything I'm going to regret.
I can't be mad at him for having his own life, can I?
The only thing I can think of doing is saying goodbye to him.
It's not easy, tears start to form under my eyelids.
I'm still entirely confused, but I know I need to change how I feel about him.
But how? It's not like he intended to hurt my feelings..
I've made up my mind.
He needs to go.
I need to get over him as soon as possible.
I try and break it easy.
Not to make him feel any better, but to try and convince myself I'll be okay.
I type the message and press enter, regretting it the second it sent.
I count to 60... Maybe he'll respond.. Maybe it's not over.
Maybe If I wait another minute.. He'll respond.
I start counting...
I need to be strong. I need to start now.
I right click on his user name.
This'll be the last time I ever see it.
I browse the menu for a second, locate the "delete" button and move my cursor ontop of it.
A million thoughts rush though my mind... It's like the dam of my brain just broke and my thoughts
are escaping as quickly as they can.
I can't do it, I can't say goodbye to him forever.
I need to make a change though, so I look for my next best option.
After some quick thinking I decide the "appear offline" button works just as well...
It crushes me seeing his username lit up in green. Knowing he's sitting by his computer screen.
Knowing he's still there, but doesn't care. Nor will he ever.
I'm gone to him.
Just a figment of his imagination now.
He didn't even say goodbye...