Pet Diary

whaledog

,United States

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EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY: Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry, hard cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs! In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He's is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time . . .

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY: 8 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 AM--Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 AM--Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite! 10:30 AM--Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite! 11:30 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 12 Noon--Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite! 1 PM--Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite! 4 PM--Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite! 5:30 PM--Oh, boy! Pretty mums! My favorite! 6 PM--Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6:30 PM--Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite! 8:30 PM--Oh, boy! Sleeping in my master's bed! My favorite!