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''if thats true, why are you still here?'' you may be asking well im here beacuse i made a promise. a litle while ago. to a speacal person, that id never leave them. they said they would miss me. that in some crazy way i changed their life. i have no idea how I could ever help somone, but i guess i did. and we're close noe beacuse of it. in return they promised theyd ever leave me either. they have used the word "Savor" to descirbe me on occasion. how they came up with THAT thought, ill probably never know. but now im starting to wonder: Who Needs Who? im starting to think its me whom needs them. obviously i dont desrve them but am lucky enough to have them. i miss one day of talking to them and im mody the next. they make me think. and they liste to me no matter how stupid i sound. but most importantly: they keep me here. i was never one of those kids who cut herself or drank or did drugs. and i knew there were kids out there with lives much worse than mine, but still my mind would go in those phases. looking at the kitchen knife with wonder. "what wold happen if i was not here?" the scary thing is it crossed my mind numerous times. ant the onlything stoping me was the fact im a weakling and hate pain. and right before i met that person, i came dangerously close to not caring that i wouldfeel pain.. i cant help but smile in my time machine. i wouldnt dream of doing anything like that now. im so glad i met them before i did it. i cant imagine life without them. part of me never wants anyone to read this. aprt of me wishes i never wrote it. but one big part f me wishes that one person would read the few paragraphs above and know how much they ea to me. and im never leaving them and i love them. and that they are MY savoir too. i dont want the water to shut off. not only because it feels good, but when the dissapers, so dose my time machine. and im thrown back into reality abd the hurt starts beating me with its monsters and storms. i know i cant stay there forever, but it seems impossible to reach over and turn the small dial. when in my little universe and time machine, i can be whatever i want. even if i want to be nothing at all. i like trying to pretend to be nothing sometimes. if you are nothing, you have no thoughts or emotions. you are simply gone. i get very close to the extisy of being nothing sometimes. but then something happens. alomst as if against my will, i turn the machine off. the water stops. and my time machine whips back to being a normal shower in a small house in SC. the water is like rain. if its raining outside, you can cry and none will be the wiser. and hopefuly by the time it ends you will have regained some composure. i had been able to keep my compusure though out this time journey, but as the water stops, i feel the sting of tears in my eyes. i stare at the door for five long minutes. then against my will once more, my arm pushes the door open.
i stop leaning on my elbows and look out the door. i now have two choices: A: stand there naked and soaking wet and probably catch a cold. or B: get out, get dressed, and get going neither sound that appealing, but my robotic body carfuly steps out of the shower and grabs a towel. i go over to the mirror. i cant see anything fr it is coated with steam. which i hold back from wiping away. i dry off and put my clothes on without touching or looking at the mirror. i bend down to pick up the hand towel the cat tore down. as i come up i meet the mirror once more. but now the steam has vaporized. and i see the ugl, akward teenage girl inside. i realize that the mirror is like life. just when you think you have moved on and forgotten, something gets right in your face nd reminds you again. i used to think life was simple. but if so much can happen in a small 3 by 6 shower, i think i thought wrong.
